what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Just me?
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger