“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
catch me on valentine’s day like
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.