ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.