To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma鈥檃m we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don鈥檛 want it to go to waste
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they鈥檙e wearing.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I鈥檓 supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don鈥檛 get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you鈥檙e welcome ladies
Me: I don鈥檛 get it. I鈥檝e been watching this show for three hours and I still don鈥檛 know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That鈥檚 the Olympics
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Who else does this 馃う馃徑馃槀
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Yes, I鈥檓 a slob, but I鈥檓 a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it鈥檚 actually clean.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
You definitely shouldn鈥檛 go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
How about daylight saves us for once
Spent a summer in Rome, so I鈥檓 fluent in dropping that into conversation
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies