in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.