The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Just why bro?!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.