My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full