The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine