I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…