On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“The Perfect Relationship”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.