Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
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kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I only eat vegetarians.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.