[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I am all good here, 😂😉
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron