the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.