One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it