One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.