After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
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mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please