“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
You Might Also Like
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
She was REALLY feeling it.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly