Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The French word for sex is croissant.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read