why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.