If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.