my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
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If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him