When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.