Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
You Might Also Like
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
craving $300 all of a sudden
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is