Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
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Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”