You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.