You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.