COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
What the hell happened here.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*