Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
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*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.