Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.