Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
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The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
See..?
.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.