If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks