“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
You Might Also Like
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me