Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
? 💀
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
my dog when i have a friend over