Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.