Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”