[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
You Might Also Like
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!