My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Mood.. 😂
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Stop being racist to kettles.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
それは草