[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.