Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
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Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.