A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
You Might Also Like
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
i dont have time for this
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!