Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Oops I deleted….
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!