My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
live long and prosper!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner