My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Are we there yet?…
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
<—- homeless romantic
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it