It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.