Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
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scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.