I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I don鈥檛 think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine鈥檚 Day are about to expire.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I鈥檓 dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
that wasn’t the question
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I鈥檒l hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you鈥檒l never use
If my fingers don鈥檛 motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
馃拃
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun