meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
When ur friends with white people
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.