Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
is it earth
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes