[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
you gotta be faster
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.