Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget